Our drugs will wake your penis from his grave.

December 5, 2011

Of course I detest spam, but as a copywriter I get a kick out of the headline copy employed in the subject line of so many incoming blasts. Like the one above: Our drugs will wake your penis from his grave. It’s like a movie poster for my johnson! I love the pronoun “his” and the word “grave.”

Speaking of penises, they tend to be on the receiving end of most of these messages: Your penis is a sword, be a mighty warrior. Or this line, punctuation left as is:
IfYourPenisRefusesTtoPperofrmIitsDirectFuntcionsDon’TThrowUpYourHands

Such an odd way of putting things. But then oddness is what makes these messages almost as fun as they are irritating. The word selection. The misspellings. The punctuation or lack thereof. Of course, these “ads” are mostly hawking Viagra and Cialis, which are likely bogus or made illegally.

Drugs for losing weight or getting high are also well-represented by Spam: Everything has its beginning and its end. Take a debilitant and chill out! What the hell is a “debilitant?”

And what exactly does this mean: Menthol our pills pllls will rid you of the troubles! I think of menthol as a benign element, unless in cigarettes. Could it be a magic cure-all?

I didn’t open the email (I never do) so I’m not sure this come-on is for erectile dysfunction or opiates: Fly on the wings of love with our drugs. I had the same issue with this one: Powerful, courageous, invincible, is it about you!

I had no confusion about these two ditties, however: Herpes is a bad decoration of your face! and For a Tool as hard as an iron. Not ‘hard as iron.’ Hard as an iron. That means it’s not a cliché but rather a slightly bizarre metaphor. I kind of like it.

A while back I thought of a mondo-headline for Viagra. I called it “The Fist of God.” Now that’s good spam!

And then there’s this: http://gawker.com/5865183/dead-mother-spams-kids-from-beyond-the-grave

One Response to “Our drugs will wake your penis from his grave.”

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