Congressman Weiner apologizes for his innapropriate behavior. Imagine if he explained why…
June 8, 2011
In the wake of Congressman Anthony Weiner’s very late apology for his now well-publicized bad behavior with various women online, many are left wondering why he would have done such reckless and stupid things in the first place. Not to mention lie about it. I mean he had so much to lose. We wonder that every time a famous man gets caught with his pants down, don’t we? Well I don’t buy the standard answer that men are wired to cheat. I think it’s deeper than that. What if instead of merely apologizing, Weiner actually tried answering the question of why? Maybe it would look something like this:
Yes, I did it. Some pretty ladies flirted with me on Facebook and I got carried away. Of course it was boneheaded and self-serving. But I’m not asking for mercy from anyone, starting with my wife, who must feel at least as humiliated as I do. I know merely saying “sorry” won’t cut it. Not to her. Not to anyone. My career and marriage are likely going down the drain. Maybe I can resurrect all that but only time will tell. In the end, actions speak louder than words. I have many fences to mend.
Okay, so why did I do it? Let me explain something, which should be obvious: A nerdy guy with a last name of Weiner does not get very far without being very, very good at politics. But being good all the time is taxing. I’m always in a suit, saying the right things, doing good deeds, being a role model and a consummate leader. Make no mistake I embraced that duty. Chased after it my entire life. In doing so, I achieved all I had hoped for and then some. I thank everyone who helped and supported me. But where were you when I was getting my face shoved down the urinals in high school? “Let’s dip Weiner in the toilet!” You never really get over shit like that but, for the most part, I did. Like I said I was and am very, very good. Good at thinking. Good at talking. Good at being good. Until now…
Honestly, I just wanted to be bad, especially late at night when no one was looking. The boy inside me would pop up like an erection, urging me to test-drive my hard-earned powers: “You’re important, dude! Guys want to be you and chicks want to sleep with you.” He was very persuasive, if not delusional.
In my office there’s a photograph of me with President Clinton. Every night, I’d see his smiling face and couldn’t help but think of Slick Willie getting blown by that naughty, naughty intern, Monica Lewinsky. Hell, I know girls like her, too. They tell me they want me on Facebook. They tweet I am hot. Then Bill spoke to me: “Go ahead, Weiner, pull that bad boy out. Those babes on facebook want to see it. They are so hot for you, Tony! Show ‘em what you’ve got.”
And so I did what every other guy in the world has done. I had me some fun online. I got a little dirty. Selfish, sure. But all day long I work for the good people of America. This was me-time!
Okay. No question sending photos of my pecs and dong was pretty damn stupid, a douche bag move no matter how you spin it. I’ve got nothing to say in my defense. Needless to say, I’m going to pay a huge price.
One last thing. I’m not sorry for lying when the shit hit the fan. I was trying to protect myself (and everyone close to me) from the horrors I’m now facing. Nine out of ten of you would have done the same exact thing. And it probably wouldn’t have worked for you either.